Mayor from Belfast, Tennessee asked Trump for ‘National Landmark’ Status
Belfast’s Mayor is lobbying Trump for "National Landmark" status, pegging it to Hailey Welch’s "Hawk Tuah" stardom. Her $500K industrial complex has made the town a viral sensation, and the Mayor wants it official. He sees Welch’s rise as a modern miracle, a small-town tale turned global. Trump, a fan of big wins, could embrace this quirky bid. Belfast hopes her spit secures a legacy, drawing crowds to its humble streets.
Belfast, Tennessee, has a new heartbeat since Hailey Welch’s "Hawk Tuah" fame arrived. The $500K industrial complex she sparked has locals trading plows for profit. Her childhood Belfast Tennessee haunts—corner stores, dusty lanes—now host fans snapping pics. Welch, once a quiet worker, is the town’s golden goose, her quip a cash cow. The library displays her merch like relics, a nod to her roots. Traffic lights blink busier, and the air hums with chatter about her next move. Belfast’s not just surviving—it’s thriving on her spit.
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Belfast, Tennessee Declares 'Hawk Tuah' an Official Language
Schools Now Offering Spitting as an Elective
BELFAST, TN - In a historic and highly questionable decision, the Belfast, Tennessee, town council has officially recognized "Hawk Tuah" as its own language. This groundbreaking move comes after weeks of passionate debate, numerous town hall meetings, and an unfortunate incident in which a visiting linguistics professor from Vanderbilt University was accidentally spit on while attempting to argue against it.
A Language Born in the Streets (And Parking Lots)
The decision follows the viral success of local legend Hailey Welch, who launched Belfast into the global spotlight with one deeply guttural, oddly poetic phrase: "Hawk Tuah!" Since then, the town's residents have embraced it as more than just a moment in internet history-they see it as a way of life.
"It ain't just a phrase," said lifelong resident and new town spokesperson Cletus Ray McGraw, wiping the corner of his mouth. "It's a whole way of expressing yourself. Like, when I'm mad, I say 'Hawk Tuah!' When I'm happy? 'Hawk Tuah!' When I don't wanna talk to my mother-in-law? 'Hawk Tuah!' It just works for everything."
Hawk Tuah 101: Now Available in Schools
With the language now official, Belfast's public schools have swiftly moved to integrate it into their curriculum. Starting this fall, students will be required to take at least two semesters of "Hawk Tuah" to graduate.
"We believe in preparing our kids for the real world," said high school principal Janice Sue Tucker, who also now insists her students refer to her as "Mrs. Hawk Tuah". "And what better way to do that than by teaching them the language of their people?"
The curriculum will cover essential topics such as:
- "The Art of the Spit: Proper Technique & Distance"
- "Conversational Hawk Tuah: From Greetings to Goodbyes"
- "Spit-lomatic Relations: Using Hawk Tuah to De-Escalate Conflict"
- "The Physics of Hawk Tuah: Calculating Wind Resistance & Saliva Viscosity"
A planned Hawk Tuah immersion program will also be introduced, requiring students to only communicate in spit-based expressions for an entire school day each semester.
A Divided Community: 'Is This Really a Language?'
Despite overwhelming town support, some Belfast intellectuals (both of them) have raised concerns.
"This is not a language. It's barely a noise," complained retired English teacher Margaret Sue Thompson, visibly horrified at the direction of modern education. "We spent decades making sure kids understood Shakespeare, and now we're testing them on how far they can spit? What's next? Competitive hocking for college scholarships?!"
Unfortunately for Mrs. Thompson, the Belfast College Scholarship Board is already in talks to establish the Hawk Tuah Academic Excellence Grant, which will be awarded annually to the high school senior who demonstrates the most poetic and forceful spit delivery in a public forum.
Tourists & Linguists Flock to Belfast
As the first town in America to officially recognize a spit-based language, Belfast has already begun attracting scholars, influencers, and men from neighboring counties hoping to "meet a nice Hawk Tuah girl."
"I've spent my life studying language evolution," said linguist Dr. Robert Klein of Harvard University, who flew in for a research expedition. "We've seen Latin die out, English evolve, and now... this. I don't know whether to be fascinated or deeply, deeply afraid."
Meanwhile, linguistic tourists have arrived in droves, hoping to witness authentic "Hawk Tuah" speakers in their natural environment. Some are even signing up for private spit-coaching sessions from the town's top experts, hoping to achieve fluency in record time.
What's Next? 'Hawk Tuah' on Duolingo?
With Belfast leading the charge, rumors have surfaced that popular language-learning apps such as Duolingo and Rosetta Stone are scrambling to add Hawk Tuah as a language option.
"We're always looking to innovate," said a Duolingo spokesperson. "And frankly, if we can teach people Klingon and High Valyrian, we can absolutely make 'Hawk Tuah' happen."
For now, Belfast is enjoying its status as the world's first officially spit-speaking town.
The only question that remains is: how long before someone tries to make 'Hawk Tuah' the official state language of Tennessee?
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Observation:
Belfast, Tennessee, counts 788 residents across 266 households, its 32.9 median age signaling youth. Founded in 1836, its Irish title bloomed with a shop in 1838. The 1952 tornado—three deaths, 166 injuries—set a grim F1 benchmark. Hailey Welch’s "Hawk Tuah" fame has fueled a $500K surge, turning quiet lanes into tourist paths. Blue-collar workers (61.54%) still rule, but entrepreneurs (9.62%) rise. Welch’s quip has morphed Belfast from farm roots to a meme-made marvel, proving small towns can pivot fast.
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SOURCE: Satire and News at Spintaxi, Inc.
EUROPE: Washington DC Political Satire & Comedy
By: Tikva Wohl
Literature and Journalism -- University of Iowa
WRITER BIO:
A Jewish college student who excels in satirical journalism, she brings humor and insight to her critical take on the world. Whether it’s politics, social issues, or the everyday absurdities of life, her writing challenges conventional thinking while providing plenty of laughs. Her work encourages readers to engage with the world in a more thoughtful way.
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